The quiet power of language
At Hammock Counselling, we often talk with clients about the quiet power of language — how the words we use shape the way we experience our inner world.
One phrase that comes up often in therapy is “They made me feel…” — as in “He made me so angry,” or “She made me feel worthless.”
It’s a common way of speaking, and perfectly human. But hidden in that language is something subtle yet important: when we say “they made me feel,” we hand over ownership of our emotions to someone else. It’s as if our feelings live out there, dependent on what others do.
When we begin to say “I feel…” — simply, directly, without blame — something profound begins to shift.
It’s the difference between being carried by a current and learning to float in it. The current is still there, but we discover we can breathe within it.
Why this matters
Emotions are like weather patterns — they move through us, sometimes gently, sometimes fiercely. But when we believe that someone else causes our emotions, we lose touch with our own agency.
At Hammock, we help clients reconnect with the understanding that feelings arise within us. They may be stirred by others, but they belong to us.
When we can say “I feel angry,” or “I feel sad,” we’re not excusing anyone’s behaviour — we’re simply reclaiming our emotional truth. From there, we can explore what that feeling might be telling us: perhaps about a need, a wound, or a boundary.
This shift — from blame to ownership — opens space for reflection, understanding, and growth.
What the research shows
Psychological research supports what many clients experience in therapy. Studies on locus of control — our sense of whether life happens to us or through us — show that those who feel more internally anchored tend to experience greater resilience and emotional stability.
For example, adults with anxiety who had a more external locus of control (believing others controlled their emotions) showed higher distress levels (PubMed).
Another study found that emotional self-efficacy — the belief that we can manage our own feelings — strongly predicts resilience (International Journal of Education & Literacy Studies).
And this learning begins early. Children who grow up with emotionally secure attachments — where feelings are acknowledged and soothed — often develop a stronger internal sense of control and better mental health later in life (PubMed).
So if you find it difficult to “own” your feelings, it’s not a flaw. It’s often something learned — and therefore something that can be relearned.
What happens in therapy
A 2022 study exploring moments of change in psychotherapy found that when clients begin to approach and name their feelings directly, they often experience a sense of inner relief (PubMed).
At Hammock, we see this all the time. A client might begin by saying, “He made me feel rejected,” and through reflection, discover a deeper truth underneath: “I feel hurt when I’m not chosen.”
That’s not just a change in wording — it’s a change in ownership. It allows space for compassion, self-awareness, and healing.
Our role is to create a space that feels safe enough for this exploration — like a hammock strung between two trees: held enough to rest, flexible enough to move with the wind.
How to start practising emotional ownership
Here are some simple ways to begin making this shift in daily life:
- Notice your language. Catch yourself when you say “they made me feel…” and try rephrasing it as “I feel…”
- Be curious. Ask yourself: What is this feeling showing me? Every emotion has something to teach us.
- Separate feeling from blame. The feeling is yours, even if the trigger came from outside.
- Use “I feel” statements. In communication, try: “I feel anxious when plans change suddenly” instead of “You make me anxious.” This invites understanding rather than defensiveness (Verywell Mind).
- Be gentle with yourself. Learning to take ownership of feelings isn’t about blame — it’s about kindness and self-leadership.
How Hammock Counselling can help
This kind of inner work is at the heart of Hammock Counselling. We help clients explore the stories, patterns, and early experiences that shape how they respond emotionally — gently guiding them toward a steadier, more self-aware way of relating to their feelings.
Through reflection and conversation, clients often begin to find more balance: responding rather than reacting, naming rather than blaming, softening rather than shutting down.
Over time, this leads to something deeper — self-trust. The sense that, whatever arises inside, you can meet it with awareness and compassion.
A gentle reframe
Changing how we speak about our feelings might sound small, but it can transform the way we live.
When we move from “they made me feel” to “I feel,” we reclaim the authorship of our emotional life. We begin to see that our feelings aren’t something to be controlled or avoided — they’re signals, guiding us toward what needs care, attention, or change.
At Hammock Counselling, we help clients make this shift — with care, curiosity, and warmth — supporting them to find a calmer, kinder relationship with themselves and others.
Like resting in a hammock, it’s about learning to be held and supported, even as you move.
References
- Moments of change: Clients’ immediate experiences when sharing emotions in psychotherapy (2022). PubMed
- Locus of control in chronic anxiety disorders. PubMed
- The role of childhood traumas, emotional self-efficacy and internal-external locus of control in predicting psychological resilience. International Journal of Education & Literacy Studies
- Locus of control as a mediator of the association between attachment and children’s mental health. PubMed
- What Are ‘I Feel’ Statements? Verywell Mind
