Have you ever noticed how quickly a small slip can turn into a full stop?

You miss a day at the gym and suddenly think, “Well, that’s that ruined.”
You say something clumsy in an argument and feel convinced, “I’ve messed this up beyond repair.”
You start something with good intentions, hit a wobble, and quietly abandon it altogether.

It often happens so fast that we barely notice it.

One moment we’re trying, the next we’re judging ourselves harshly. Somewhere in between, the idea that there might be another option disappears.

This is what black-and-white thinking can look like in real life.

When life becomes all or nothing

Black-and-white thinking (sometimes called all-or-nothing thinking) reduces our experiences into extremes.

Things are:

• Right or wrong
  
• Good or bad
  
• A success or a failure
  

There’s little room in the middle, and yet most of life happens there.

You might recognise this pattern in yourself:

• “If I can’t do it properly, there’s no point doing it at all.”
  
• “If they cared about me, they wouldn’t behave like this.”
  
• “If this doesn’t feel right, it must be wrong.”
  

On the surface, this way of thinking can feel decisive and clear. It gives answers. It offers certainty.

But beneath it, it often carries pressure, self-judgement, and a sense of being trapped.

Why black-and-white thinking feels so convincing

For many people, this mindset developed for a reason.

Certainty can feel safe. Clear rules can feel reassuring. Especially if you’ve grown up needing to be careful, get things right, or avoid mistakes, having firm categories can feel grounding.

If something is clearly good or bad, you don’t have to sit with uncertainty.
If something is right or wrong, you don’t have to wrestle with ambiguity.

But life isn’t static. People change. Circumstances shift. And rigid thinking can struggle to keep up.

The perfection or abandon cycle

One of the most painful consequences of black-and-white thinking is the perfection or abandon cycle.

It often begins with hope.

You decide to:

• Improve your health
  
• Start a new routine
  
• Commit to a relationship
  
• Take a step towards something meaningful
  

You set high expectations; sometimes without realising it.

Then something goes wrong. You miss a day. You get tired. You feel discouraged. You don’t perform as well as you hoped.

And instead of adjusting, you quit.

Not because you don’t care, but because there was no space for being imperfect.

This is particularly visible around New Year’s resolutions. A single “broken rule” can feel like proof that the whole thing was pointless to begin with.

But the problem isn’t the goal. It’s the lack of nuance.

What nuance really means

Nuance isn’t about lowering standards or making excuses.

It’s about acknowledging that multiple things can be true at the same time.

You can want something and find it hard.
You can care and feel unsure.
You can make a mistake and still be worthy of continuing.

Nuance sounds like:

• “This didn’t go as planned, but it’s not the end.”
  
• “I’m disappointed, and I’m still allowed to keep going.”
  
• “This relationship isn’t perfect, and it still matters to me.”
  

It allows movement rather than collapse.

Relationships are rarely either/or

Relationships are a common place where black-and-white thinking shows up.

You might think:

• “If they loved me, they wouldn’t hurt me.”
  
• “If I feel doubtful, this must be the wrong relationship.”
  

But relationships are complex. People miss each other. Needs change. Misunderstandings happen.

Nuance in relationships might sound like:

“I feel hurt by this, and I still want to understand what happened.”

It doesn’t dismiss your feelings, it simply refuses to reduce the entire relationship to one moment.

From binary thinking to choice

When life is framed as right or wrong, there’s often only one “correct” path. Anything else feels like failure.

But once we step into nuance, something else appears: choice.

Choice can feel liberating and also deeply uncomfortable.

For some people, choice feels:

• Overwhelming
  
• Heavy with responsibility
  
• Full of self-judgement
  

“What if I choose wrong?”
“What does this say about me?”

Especially if you’re used to measuring yourself harshly, choice can feel less like freedom and more like pressure.

Choices aren’t verdicts on who you are

One of the hardest beliefs to loosen is the idea that our choices define our worth.

But most choices aren’t moral judgements. They’re responses to the information, energy, and resources we have at the time.

Choosing to stay in a job doesn’t mean you’re weak.
Choosing to leave doesn’t mean you’re reckless.
Choosing to rest doesn’t mean you’re lazy.

Most choices lead to outcomes that are more or less helpful, not right or wrong.

And most choices are not final.

The overlooked possibility: choosing again

This is where black-and-white thinking often misses something crucial.

You can often make another choice.

If something doesn’t work, you can adjust.
If an outcome isn’t what you hoped for, you can reflect.
If a boundary wasn’t clear, you can revisit it.

Even when choices have consequences, there’s often still room to respond differently next time.

This doesn’t remove responsibility; it simply replaces punishment with learning.

How black-and-white thinking keeps us stuck

All-or-nothing thinking tends to raise the stakes so high that doing anything feels risky.

If trying means possibly failing, and failing means being a failure, it can feel safer not to try at all.

Nuance lowers the stakes.

It allows:

• Trying without guaranteeing success
  
• Continuing without perfection
  
• Reflecting without self-attack
  

It creates a sense of spaciousness; a feeling that there’s room to move, even when things aren’t clear.

Noticing it in yourself

You might begin to notice black-and-white thinking when:

• You feel a sudden urge to quit something
  
• Your inner dialogue becomes harsh or absolute
  
• You use words like always, never, should, or must
  
• One mistake feels disproportionately heavy
  

When that happens, you might gently ask yourself:

• What’s the middle ground here?
  
• What am I assuming this means about me?
  
• What choice do I have that isn’t all or nothing?
  

Sometimes the choice is small. Sometimes it’s simply to pause instead of judge.

A gentler way forward

Living with nuance doesn’t mean life becomes easier overnight.

But it often becomes kinder.

It allows you to stumble without disappearing.
To change course without shame.
To stay engaged with life even when things feel messy.

And perhaps most importantly, it allows you to see yourself not as a problem to fix, but as a human being learning as they go.

Thanks all

Tom

(Hammock co-founder)